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Just when I thought I reached the bottom..
.. I'm dying again.
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feel_theflames Shadows come creeping up.

The chair I was sitting in was about as comfortable as the atmosphere of Wolfram and Hart. I shifted, whether from uneasiness or discomfort I'd hoped I could keep alien from Lindsey's eyes. I sat with my fidgeting fingers on my lap, unwavering gaze upon them reluctant to lift and look at the pacing lawyer except on the vague occasion I knew he wasn't looking at me. That is until he sat down and spoke to me directly.

"Thanks for coming in."

I tilted my head very slightly, maintaining a careless emotion on my face. "Did I ever have a choice?" I asked rhetorically, looking just about bored with this situation already. It seemed he had no rebuttal for he simply looked upon me as lost as one man could and, believe me, I know what a man shocked into silence looks like. It was then that Holland walked through the door carrying a folder of some sort.

"Of course," he said and nothing more. My mistrusting gaze watched him over my shoulder as he dismissed the security guard who closed the door behind him, leaving the three of us in the room. This caused my already uneasy defense to thicken. When I heard the door click, Holland's voice finally rang again. "We would never make you do anything against your will, Darla," he spoke with that almost disgusting portrayal of a friendly tone. Still, the more he did that, the more I felt I held the reigns.

"It wasn't my will to be here in the first place," I noted, continuing to watch his approach behind me when I heard the click of those leather wingtips against the floor. "I never asked for this life." Holland walked in front of me and sat down in the chair that was positioned at my side. With the eyes of both attourneys on me it was almost as though I were sitting in an interrogation chamber. I was going to treat it as such.

"Well," Holland began, pausing only to clear his throat, "no one ever does. God doesn't give us a say in these matters." The words pouring out of his plastic smile served to only sicken me further. "God," I retaliated, "wasn't the one who brought me back."

"... true," was all he had to say on that subject. I was caught off guard in a momentary pause although there was still the matter of what I was doing back here -- again -- in the first place.

"So what do you want me to do now?" I shot at that grin on his face which I just wanted to rip from between his cheeks. I had a dark feeling.. a sort of fear of what Holland had in store for me.. and I had to know despite how much I simply wanted to let it go; ".. go back to him?" I waited for an answer that didn't come, thus felt obliged to inform Holland of just how I thought of that little idea. "It won't matter. Even if I did, there's nothing between us anymore." My voice was sullen and my eyes involuntarily fell back down upon my hands while the memories of Angelus and my last meeting waltzed between my ears. Good or bad? Let's just say it's a moment that I'd rather not relive.

"You misunderstand," Holland replied. "We didn't invite you here to discuss Angel." I raised cold, warning eyes back up at him. I almost didn't want to hear what was going to come next. There was a long silence. Holland and I just stared at each other while I waited for him to continue, but it wasn't him that finished the statement. It was Lindsey.

"This is about you." It was to him I looked next, threat removed from my features to be replaced only by a near child-like confusion.

"You're not our prisoner, Darla," Holland went on to say while I continued to stare at Lindsey who would not meet my gaze. This is about the time I began to grow genuinely concerned. "You are, however, our moral responsibility." He offered the file to me and I accepted it merely to placate my curiosity. The folder within was removed and through the pages I flipped, looking at each in succession. "No doubt you remember very little of your first few weeks with us," he detailed although my ears were turned off to his voice while the words over which I read were being burned into my eyes. "No one ever really remembers their first days of life. But that's when these were initiated."

I couldn't believe what I was reading. This was just.. not possible. I shook my head, defiant of the file I held. This.. sentencing order. Lost, I looked to Lindsey although he was supposed to hold the answer for me. Like he was the magic man who'd fix this. "Did.. did you know anything about this?" I asked him. He stared at me in silence. It was as though I could hear him speak even though his lips never moved. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

"Now, we're prepared to deal with the situation any way you see fit," Holland offered. I was again looking at the file, cradling a lump in my throat that had formed mainly from something I'd not felt in a very, very long time. Fear. "It's up to you." I couldn't think. I couldn't feel anything beyond the sudden shadow.. the emptiness that was my future laid right there before me in black ink.

"We just.. thought you should know."

To know. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Almost as if it was a reflex of my own, anger was quick to replace my all consuming fear and I threw the file into Holland's lap. How do they expect me to take this? It was hard enough to deal with being a human.. but now? Me? The queen of the dead sentenced to die like a human? Again? "Please," I whispered firmly, trying to mask over my weakness. My weakness to fear. My weakness because I didn't want to.. die. I didn't want to fade away into nothing. Not again. "Please.. give me a minute. To myself."

Holland smiled, once again as if it was surgically emitted upon his fake human features. God I wanted tear him apart. "Of course," he said as he stood up, placing the files upon where he sat. "If you need anything, Darla," his eyes fell upon Lindsey's briefly as if he was mentally noting him before turning back to me, "let us know."

My eyes were focused on the floor in front of me. I didn't speak a word as the two men rose to depart. There were no thoughts. I was fighting for maybe just one but it all failed me. When Holland left I heard Lindsey's shoes stop briefly before he walked through the doorway. "When were you going to tell me?" I asked him before he could leave completely, my voice barely above a whisper. "Why did you have to wait until now?"

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable
now_ish I bleed when you're away..

Standing veiled by a curtain of lace I stood and watched patiently through the window, blanketed by the delicate caress of orange and gold as the last ray of sunlight bled through and disappeared from the fire colored sky. It was my curtain call. After demanding meals from the lackeys we'd temporarily obtained and, gaining a good amounts of rest here and there, I could feel my wounds becoming nothing but a mere annoyance. Kyle, however, refused to move an inch this entire time. It seemed to me he was preparing his strength for the fun we were about to experience on this rather divine night. The view he promised me was truly.. fascinating. It was so new being away from the city. You could almost lose yourself in the difference between the two worlds; that of nature and that of man. I have to admit that I stood a bit jealous of nature. It was the only force on the planet that had the power to make utter chaos look so.. beautiful.

"Did you bring it?" I asked without even a blink, my voice breaking through the deafening silence of the room once Rhanal, as he so happily dubbed himself, entered the room. Leile, who somehow felt she needed to supervise, arrived also. It's too bad Rhanal wasn't going to follow us all the way through when we went back to the city. He proved far more handy than just a guarding muscle. It would've been nice to keep him around. He understood his place and knew his superiors.. unlike some people I've came to know these passing days.


In response he lowered his head to me and nodded. "Of course," he murmured, handing me a small plastic bag when I turned around to face him fully. I smiled in satisfaction. It would be so easy to just leave the city of my damnation in my stead and enjoy pleasantries such as this. This is what I deserved. But no, I have something that my humanity decided to leave behind with me -- pride. I've always held onto my reasons for being the proud creature that I am. You show one moment of weakness and what happens? Everything you work for is overthrown. I'm living.. or, well, unliving proof. Faith and Angelus took one look at me at my most vulnerable and then had the audacity to try and exploit it? Treat me like a little girl that needs to be punished? Well, I'm not Drusilla. I don't stand for that. I don't need 'Daddy'. Soon.. soon they will again realize it.

"Get the car ready," I ordered absently to Rhanal through the flaming blaze of thoughts. Thoughts about them -- the trecherous, treasonous mishaps known as Angelus and Faith. Simply the image burned into my mind of the pair of them lit a vengeful fuse in me that I'd not felt in a long time. I liked it, yet I couldn't understand the tight feeling that bore into my chest every time a picture of them would pace inside my head. How they made me feel weak and unworthy of them. It fustrated me even more that I was allowing them get to me like this. ".. we'll be leaving soon."

He nodded in silence and left. My eyes peered down into my newly accquired item, feeling every single sour emotion leave me with nothing but the confidence in my plan. Confidence that managed to tweak a little grin in the corners of my lips. Fabulous. I pulled out the clear plastic pouch that rest within and eyed the red cross on the front before giving it a gentle squeeze. The dark crimson drink in which was contained was just the match I needed to set off the dynamite. My eyes captured those of the wolf that was staring up at me. I paused, faceless.

"... what? Are you hungry? Does it look like I have food? I don't read animal. Go find Kyle." I waved my hand dismissively at the little beast who decided to just.. stand there. Already this dog was pinching on my last nerve. If it wasn't for her connection with Kyle I would've thrown and locked her up in the zoo. "Go.. do something useful."

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
now_ish Building a casket for my tears.

Staring out the window, I watched the lights of Los Angeles swing by us outside the limo that'd picked Kyle and myself up from Wolfram & Hart. Despite the sound of the engine and the softly played radio the ride was chilling in its silence. I barely noticed. My thoughts had dominated every ounce of senses that I had as though I were living within them. Not so much a dream but an alternate reality borne from my memories. I barely noticed the light beginning to thin as we left the metro area toward Beverly Hills. He'd been quiet almost the entire way. The reintroduction of his voice startled my conscious back to the present.

"You uh.. alright? Barely even flinched since we left.."

"I'm fine," I answered without turning to look at him. Probably sounded rather cold but I wasn't much in the mood for chatter. The thread of my long life was unravelling underneath my feet. Doesn't make for a conversational mood.

We pulled up outside a generously large place after passing through an automated gate. I stepped out of the limo once the driver opened the door and embraced the cool air of the black night surrounding me, allowing my eyes to turn upon the distant brilliance of downtown L.A. All I could do was stare almost in disbelief. Disbelief that I, Darla, was in hiding. Hiding not from my enemies.. but those that were once called companions. Allies.


It was never meant to be this way.Collapse )

I don't know how long I spent in dreams out on that balcony but when I came back inside there were no sounds. Everyone had long since left. I strode toward the room to which Kyle left. The door was left open. I walked inside, quiet with my steps, to look upon him slumbering in the bed. He'd not bothered to even take off his boots. On the dresser next to him sat one of his guns and I could see the grip of another pistol resting under his pillow.

A bit cautious, aren't we?

Then I looked upon him. I beheld someone with whom I could've been a twin from this point. Both of us could've been considered royalty in respect. Myself the queen of death, and he the king of the underground.. and yet here we both were, concealed in solitude away from the eyes of those who may be seeking us. Both of us with a bloodthirsty revenge for the wrongs done to us. Neither of us with a hint of knowledge about the other thrown into cohorts to achieve a common goal. I was compelled to reach a hand forth and touch his hair but I stopped myself in mid-stride, then recoiled. A moment later I turned and fled his room with the same stealth with which I'd entered.

I can't. I can't let him reach me like this. I can't so long as I know Angelus is out there.. alive and well.

I have to take care of my darling boy...

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable
now_ish Instead of stressed I lie here charmed.

Dancing upon a mountain of corpses was the proper way to close the evening, I feel. Not exactly a mountain, but pretty close when it came between me and the this new vampire that struck enough to intrigue me. "I appreciate the evening you've given me," I told him when the dance came to a halt, appreciating the lusting killer I saw look upon me. ".. you reminded me on why it's so satisfying to be.. us." That brought a cruel, satified grin upon his face.. when I thought he was going to make the move none was made. Of course with this certain fellow, you can never be so sure. He seemed more of a gentleman than what the cover told.

A smirk was offered in return. "Why don't you go back for now? Check on the family. I've got.. one more thing to tend to." My thumb was lightly brushed upon Kyle's smooth lips to wipe away some blood he left unattended, leaving me to lick my finger clean. "And Angelus? Don't go near him for now.. I want to give my dear boy a proper surprise."

My smirk turned into a devious grin, moving myself slowly as the distance lengthened more and more between us before I turned to make my departure. My thoughts continued to simmer of what recently happened.. most of what happened just now. If it's one thing I learned, it's always best to keep the longing to make them hunger for more. He had so much more to learn.. and if he was going to be in this family of ours, I was going to make sure his name will be worthwhile to be heard.

We weren't one of the most respected for nothing.

When the cool air of the city greeted my face each step I made led me closer and closer to the destination that continued to leave quite an unsettling at the pit of my stomach throughout my satisfying evening. Something I had to prove to my eyes and ease my mind. It's almost as if I felt my dead heart skip when my eyes caught sight of the Hyperion Hotel looming ahead, it's haunting image telling me memories of what happened in the past.

Dead, gone memories, I reminded myself.

I moved in a bit closer so I could get a better look but not be noticed, finally seeing the face I knew would be here.. barely blurred within the dirty windows. Him. Lindsey. My vampiric featured submitted to my human appearance.. trying to catch sight of everything happening. He was standing alongside a girl I couldn't recognize and Wesley was also there. Hmph. Wesley. He didn't looked too pleased, either..

Lindsey was now strolling among the White Hats.. standing by the side of who were my mortal enemies, who would seek me out as nothing more than dust. I wonder though.. is he truly ready to be on the opposite side? Prepared to be against me?

I had to smirk again. Lindsey, my dear boy Lindsey.. you know you don't belong there, right? You will never belong with them.. at least that's what Wesley's face was telling me.

My tongue ran over my lips as the delicious options were literally offered to me -- well, guess I'll have to figure all these out myself. Before leaving though I tried to see if I could spot out one more face -- Connor -- but unfortunately that wasn't given to me. Not yet.

Looks like there's going to be more future Hyperion visits for me.

Current Mood: devious devious
rippers_game Never live down my deceit.

Dreams that twist the knife.Collapse )

As though rocket powered I sprang up from whatever pillow had been bracing my head and screamed a blood curdling sound fed from my anger, fear, hate, sorrow.. everything that made me who I was supposed to be. I was trembling, cold from the sweat that'd formed all over me. Wide eyes moved upon a tube thrust into my arm that'd been supplying me with blood for who knows how long. I grabbed it and grit my teeth upon yanking it out of me.

Several tens of minutes went by before I was able to regain enough strength to find a bathroom. The first thing that attracted me was the sole mirror above the sink onto which my hands gripped. I stared at the reflective glass as though I could see myself.. but there was nothing. No comforting nor hurtful face to look back upon me. It'd all come back. Memories. The memories only seem to get heavier every single time I find myself back in this world and the dreams are there to only twist the knife a little deeper. There was once upon a time that I was afraid of death, afraid of the thought of completely fading away because that alone was a thought that terrified me. But now I realized something.. not even death itself could keep it's cold grasp upon me. No.. something much higher had other plans for me even though I've given the impossible son.

I leaned back against the cold tile wall and slowly slid to the floor. I found myself crying.. sobbing uncontrollably like a pathetic little girl. Death was supposed to be mine! It was for me! But again I was stripped of peace, stripped of my redemption. The feelings from my dream were still fresh and I know they will fade in due time.. but it didn't stop me from feeling it right now.

Everything that led me to this point was coming back to me slowly piece by piece. Right now I didn't understand how I was here nor did I care really. I knew who I was, what I was more importantly.

I stood myself back up, sniffed a confident breath, and straightened my hair a little. If the bitch is going to be back, let's leave a mark or three.

Current Mood: anxious anxious
now_ish Replacing this pain with something numb.

It was the first time I've been out since I was brought back. The scenery was chaotic with humans running around everywhere, the smell of vampires and demons hanging heavily within the air. I would've normally enjoyed what I was seeing if it wasn't for the constant nag of feelings that continued to scream inside me with it's death grip that would not dread to let me go. I had to force it.. and I already knew how to do that.

I caught the scent of a human walking near me. A girl with long blonde hair and pretty blue eyes -- I always enjoyed the kill more if they were beautiful. My gaze took notice upon the limping tattered vampire boy who also seemed to have lingered nearby. I didn't know his story quite yet but frankly I didn't care. I grabbed his jacket and yanked him with me into the darkness of the alley by which we walked, then pulled him close against me. My fingers curled around the back of his neck and I led his ear to my lips. "Shhh," I whispered, faking an enticing scene for anyone who might witness it. "Three.. two.. one..."

I shoved him away from me and lurched my arms out from the shadowed shelter, gripping the sweater of the blonde girl whose scent had tickled my nose, like a shark pulling her into the depths of death I yanked her into the alley with us. I wanted to see her eyes. I wanted to taste the fantastic terror that she was feeling and I spun her around to stare at me, a smile of venemous entertain held on my lips.

There was a part of me that didn't want to let go. A sense lay within me that was left with the others. I enjoyed the feeling of innocence and compassion that came with the package of a beating heart. I didn't want to hurt anybody then. It wasn't right. Life was cherished. It was honored and revered. Especially my own. From the terror on her face I understood everything she was feeling in that exact moment:

This is not fair.

It angered me. It made me jealous that she could have that which was torn from me and I could not. I wouldn't hesitate. She would be the target of that jealousy. My fingers wrapped tightly into the girl's sunshine strands and I snapped her head to the side so that her neck was exposed to me. Viciously and without mercy I lowered my head and pentrated her soft flesh with my fangs, my other arm moving around so that I could hold onto her by the waist as she flinched and jolted by the sudden pain that screamed through her body. I closed my eyes and moaned when her sweet life poured into my mouth, my senses drowned from the sweet, filling taste yet washed away all at the same time.

It was wonderful.. the feeling of release.

She went completely limp and I let her fall to the floor, feeling no remorse any longer. I grinned, my features melting back to the human mask that I carried. "There," I purred happily, my tongue running over my teeth, ".. all better." Just as I hoped, the blood pushed all those feelings away like it was nothing, just as what happened before. I was finally back. Darla was back.

My eyes ventured forward to the the vampire I took with me. The unfamiliar vampire I saw back in Wolfram & Hart.. I've yet to learn his name. "Mmm.. are you just going to stand there or join in for the fun?" I didn't know who he was, but he must've been something for standing for beating tales that his body was telling me from the wounds. I noticed Drusilla was carrying him, and she normally doesn't do that unless she really was fond of him or he was.. family as they liked to call it. "So what do you like? Dark.. light?" My attention darted briefly to a person who was running from something near and I made a quick hold to grab her which only left her screaming. Ahhh, music to my ears. Looks like I caught a Chinese takeout. ".. oriental?"

Current Mood: determined determined
now_ish What are these tears upon your face?

It's almost like you merely blink. One minute you feel the world slipping away from the very tip of your fingers and the next thing you know the entire world just crashes back into you completely. I could feel every nerve and sense rush back to life with blinding speed, causing a shakened gasp that was unneeded to the dead lungs my corpse now carried. My sight, once greeted by the comfort blanket of darkness was now surrounded by a blinding light that I had to wait moments for it to adjust to before I could take a look where I was at. This place, I know this place.. memories, all of it, were coming back to me slowly piece by piece.

My body shot up forcefully without consent as I heaved out breaths, my nails digging into the hard cool surface I was laying down upon. I see them now, my mind was now acknowledging their faces when everything came together. William the Bloody, Drusilla, and who's this tattered boy? I don't recognize his face but I know the smell of a kindred -- yes, I could feel every part of me that was long dead come alive again.

Every one of my family was here to greet me -- greet the one who gave the reason on why they were here in the first place. Except one, of course.. well, it's always been this way. Doesn't matter how many times I came back, he'll never be around. Had to learn to give up on that boy..

"She's no threat to you. Never really was."

It took longer than I thought before memories from her started clicking in. Angelus.. it wasn't Angel who was speaking to me, it was Angelus. And I was thrown, disregarded from him as if I was nothing. 150 years of being together and he treated me like nothing? It was William who saved me, William and Drusilla.. not Angelus. He didn't return the favor. The anger within me boiled.. it's because of that brunette whore. He wants to play this way then..

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?

I closed my eyes when I was greeted with flashes of my last moments. It was being being played to me like a movie in fast forward, all the fears and emotions that soul carried now being left behind in me. Lindsey's tears, the regret of never seeing Connor.. all of it. I didn't want to be here, didn't ask for it -- no! I do want to be here. It's that bitterness, the bitterness of the filthy soul! Always has to leave such a rotten taste in my mouth every time!

Taste. I could taste it. The blood from William the Bloody and something else. Something fresh and sweet. I had enough of this! All of this! I just wanted all of it to go away! I needed a kill. Within a flash I up on my feet with the unfamiliar vampire directly front of me and I growled. Get out of my way. My hand shot forward to grip onto his neck tightly to only shove him aside with my new found strength.. must feed..

It was the only way to make these feelings go away.

Current Mood: angry angry

There was a long moment of silence when I decided to do something about it. Taking a deep breath I pushed myself up upon my feet, my back performing a sharp, stinging ache from the impact. I was able to still move even if it was painfully slow. The only show I gave of my physical condition was a few winces before I moved myself toward the bathroom. Grabbing a washcloth I ran it under hot water, allowing it to soak in. My eyes snapped up to my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My reflection. I frowned, quickly lowering my eyes.. I looked like a broken woman. I dared not imagine how my back looked.. though I could wager it wasn't exactly the product of the throes of passion.

I think it's settled enough, I decided to myself when I picked up the wet cloth into my hand and rang it out until it was damp. Spying my reflection one more time I hesitated before stepping out of the washroom. What the hell was I doing?

My eyes turned and settled upon Lindsey who still hasn't moved himself from the spot he was struck down. He looked more pitiful than I did -- of course, who could really blame after going through something like that? I showed no hint of emotion when approaching him, nor did I even bother to urge him to move to the couch.

"I didn't even know you got yourself a new one," I whispered quietly in reference to his hand when I finally saw what happened. Bruised, purple, crushed.. like a grape drying underneath the sun. No wonder Angelus liked her so much. And even as much as I hated to admit it, it was so much better that he was fawning over this new brunette than that purity girl he killed me for.

I carefully cradled his hand upon mine while the other tended to wipe the blood away very gently with the dampen cloth. I didn't know exactly what to say -- ask him what he expected? What was he trying to accomplish? Coddle him and tell him it was all going to be okay? Hmm.. sure I would. I hope he wasn't expecting that. Doesn't help either I wasn't exactly an expert in first aid -- never bothered to learn -- and I wasn't too interested on spending my time looking for a kit. I liked taking people apart a lot better than putting them back together.

"You shouldn't get in fights that don't involve you, Lindsey," I stated with point, continuing with the tending. ".. you're -- or should I say you were a lawyer, not a revolutionary." He was definately stronger than the last time I saw him though. I could see it when I watched him with Faith.. I was more interested in learning how.

"She's no threat to you. Never really was."

I closed my eyes, those words still ringing loudly in my ears. I wanted it to stop.

Yes.. I had to find out how.

Current Mood: sore sore

"And if you attempted to avenge Connor's death on your own, he would kill you. That wouldn't solve much, would it?"

There wasn't much I could say to that but settled myself back upon the couch, burying my face in my hands. I was nothing more then a mere defenseless human.. as much as that was hard for me to grasp upon with a collection of memories that dated back 400 years. I was back within a mortal's body when I couldn't even be sure if I was fully human -- I was just.. a mess. "So what do you expect me to do?" I questioned sharply, my nails pulling the couch's fabric as the anger began to infuse my body. This voice was beginning to irritate me.. I despised the very sound of myself -- it was too sweet and innocent.

I was sitting here with a soul that was beginning to dig itself into the very pit of me that was threatening to drive me into complete madness -- and a body that wasn't draped with the sickness that I suffered twice in my mortality. What did I do to deserve this? I've killed and broken people for hundreds of years -- why wasn't I being punished? Was it because I killed myself so that I wouldn't have to suffer the action of killing my own son? To me, that was selfishness.. not heroism. With that supposed act that I did I damned my son into the hands of Angelus.

Damn him. I told myself that I would share this tearing feeling that I felt inside my chest and give a little hurt right back to him. Maybe more.

All these thoughts began pouring to me all at once which made me close my eyes for a minute. Death was a much sweeter release than this -- all these thoughts, emotions, and this soul.. it made my body feel so heavy. A once-vampire such as me should never be human again -- I cannot live with constant reminders and regret! I've wasted my life many times before, who's to say I wouldn't with this one?

Maybe this was my punishment. That alone made me feel sick.

My teeth clenched tightly together and I opened my eyes, my gaze falling back upon Lilah. I breathed in, trying to pick up the pieces of myself again -- at least whatever that was left. I know I wasn't brought back to look alive.. and it was the second time they did it. "You said Wolfram and Hart felt my presence was needed.. for what exactly?"

Current Mood: cold cold
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