"No.. no, go on. I can't. It doesn't matter anyway." I gasped when I felt myself crumble to the ground but Angel, as always, he refused to leave my side. The rain falling from the heavens above soaked my face as though the angels from heaven were crying for me. The irony makes me laugh.
"You're going to be okay." I was so consumed with pain and inner anguish that the world, to me, was a dream in itself. Not even Angelus' voice could broaden the horizons that'd closed in on me, trapped me here in this alley to a fate I couldn't bear face. My eyes eventually found him. I could feel his hand in mine. "No. No, I don't think so. Once he's gone, I won't be okay, I won't be okay at all. I don't know what I'll be. Angel.. our baby is gonna die right here in this alley. You died in an alley, remember?" I hated this thing. I hated it because it made me love it and I couldn't let it go. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be! This was not me! His gaze was pleading with me as he said, "I remember."
The emotions tearing me apart from inside were driving me more insane than merely coming to terms with the fact that I was a vampire mother-to-be. Worse than this creature inside feeding me feelings I hated to feel. Why? Why did I have to love it? "I want to say I'm sorry. I want to say it and mean it, but.. I can't. Aren't you going to tell me it's okay?" I'm not sure what I wanted to hear. Half of me wanted to believe that this would have the storybook ending I was able to grasp four hundred years ago -- that I could have this baby and have my Angelus back and everything would be okay. "No." No? Was that all he could say? Was this supposed to be my redemption? Was this supposed to be my gateway into the eternal bliss I hear everyone else talking about? Well.. then again.. what could I expect? "No? It's really not, is it? We did so many terrible things together. So much destruction, so much.. pain. We can't make up for any of it. You know that, don't you?" He paused, looking like the memories behind the question were something painful. "Yeah," was all he could say.
That one look told me all. I watched his face and suddenly felt cold. Empty. Despite everything, I felt nothing. My Angelus was gone. I could see that now.. and there was no hope of his return despite my pleas. "This child.. Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together," I smiled at him as if somehow I knew it'd be all right in the end. I knew what had to be done. "The only good thing."
There was nothing left for me. I could not have my Angelus and I couldn't love my own child. I had nobody. The realization was so painful I wanted to sob to my own self pity. I watched Angel for a silent moment. If I could not love it..
"You make sure to tell him that."
My fingers wrapped around the broken wood that laid nearby..
As though rocket powered I sprang up from whatever pillow had been bracing my head and screamed a blood curdling sound fed from my anger, fear, hate, sorrow.. everything that made me who I was supposed to be. I was trembling, cold from the sweat that'd formed all over me. Wide eyes moved upon a tube thrust into my arm that'd been supplying me with blood for who knows how long. I grabbed it and grit my teeth upon yanking it out of me.
Several tens of minutes went by before I was able to regain enough strength to find a bathroom. The first thing that attracted me was the sole mirror above the sink onto which my hands gripped. I stared at the reflective glass as though I could see myself.. but there was nothing. No comforting nor hurtful face to look back upon me. It'd all come back. Memories. The memories only seem to get heavier every single time I find myself back in this world and the dreams are there to only twist the knife a little deeper. There was once upon a time that I was afraid of death, afraid of the thought of completely fading away because that alone was a thought that terrified me. But now I realized something.. not even death itself could keep it's cold grasp upon me. No.. something much higher had other plans for me even though I've given the impossible son.
I leaned back against the cold tile wall and slowly slid to the floor. I found myself crying.. sobbing uncontrollably like a pathetic little girl. Death was supposed to be mine! It was for me! But again I was stripped of peace, stripped of my redemption. The feelings from my dream were still fresh and I know they will fade in due time.. but it didn't stop me from feeling it right now.
Everything that led me to this point was coming back to me slowly piece by piece. Right now I didn't understand how I was here nor did I care really. I knew who I was, what I was more importantly.
I stood myself back up, sniffed a confident breath, and straightened my hair a little. If the bitch is going to be back, let's leave a mark or three.
rippers_game Never live down my deceit.