Log in

now_ish Building a casket for my tears. - Just when I thought I reached the bottom..
.. I'm dying again.
now_ish Building a casket for my tears.

Staring out the window, I watched the lights of Los Angeles swing by us outside the limo that'd picked Kyle and myself up from Wolfram & Hart. Despite the sound of the engine and the softly played radio the ride was chilling in its silence. I barely noticed. My thoughts had dominated every ounce of senses that I had as though I were living within them. Not so much a dream but an alternate reality borne from my memories. I barely noticed the light beginning to thin as we left the metro area toward Beverly Hills. He'd been quiet almost the entire way. The reintroduction of his voice startled my conscious back to the present.

"You uh.. alright? Barely even flinched since we left.."

"I'm fine," I answered without turning to look at him. Probably sounded rather cold but I wasn't much in the mood for chatter. The thread of my long life was unravelling underneath my feet. Doesn't make for a conversational mood.

We pulled up outside a generously large place after passing through an automated gate. I stepped out of the limo once the driver opened the door and embraced the cool air of the black night surrounding me, allowing my eyes to turn upon the distant brilliance of downtown L.A. All I could do was stare almost in disbelief. Disbelief that I, Darla, was in hiding. Hiding not from my enemies.. but those that were once called companions. Allies.


Kyle walked over to me and paused. The few feet from which he stood and the tone that he introduced to me seemed worrisome. Caring.. which was an emotion that'd become alien to me since Lindsey had come back into my life. Or I in his. However the chips fell.

.... Lindsey ....

"But not from you. Do you know what I'm getting from you, Lindsey? Nothing. Why aren't you afraid?"
"I don't know.."
"You could die here. Chances are you will.."
"... yeah."
"And you don't care.."
"I care. I guess I just don't mind."

He never feared me. Even in the threat of the reaper he couldn't feel it. Not in the way Drusilla or William didn't fear me. Not because we had a common goal or because we wanted the same things. He didn't fear me because he couldn't. From the moment he'd met me.. the first time they'd brought me back.. he'd shown nothing but wonderment in me. Bewildered by me as though a little boy experiencing something unbelievable for the first time. He respected me because of that, but there was never any fear in him. Because of that I was kindred to his feelings. I was in wonderment of him as well. Could it have blossomed into something more? Had it without my knowlege? Looking back I think it had the possibility. I wanted to know it and never could. As bad as he I wanted to know the touch of someone who was genuine to what they spoke. But me? I couldn't. I refused to believe I was destined to be with anyone than my darling boy, Angelus.


I turned around to finally face Kyle who'd managed to interrupt the lump from growing in my throat which threatened to push tears from my eyes. I hardened my face as quickly as I could to avoid the questions I could just see spilling from his lips. "Hm?" I asked innocently enough, arching my brows to meet the questioning gaze of his eyes.

"Heh.. nothin'. Whaddya say we head on in? I think you'll find the place'll fit you well."

"I hope so," I returned while walking past him, looking up to the windows. He walked behind me close enough to suddenly step ahead and open the door for me. I passed him only a fleeting glance, merely in polite thanks, and stepped inside. "This your hideout?" I emphasized with a forced chuckle as if to insinuate that I were teasing.

"Hardly. Just a place I come to when heat gets too thick in the city, y'know? Vampire or no I still got enemies."

"Yeah, well.." my voice softened, ".. join the club."


"Thought we cleared that up last time, peaches? He's kinda moved on now. Y'know. To me." Faith turned toward Angel. "She wants you, baby. Why else you think she went out and got herself vamped and came lookin' for ya?"
"Been there and done that already, honey. You can go ahead and take care of my dear boy. Besides, I've got new projects to concentrate on now."

So that was it, then? A hundred and fifty years with Angelus and what was I supposed to be to him now? The 'old car', traded in for a shiner model? I made him. I bled for him. He wanted so much and strove to conquer it all. The only thing I wanted was to be the one eternal. Angelus and Darla, remember? I came back twice and needed nothing but him. I went through the torment of having his child.. destroying myself to save the only evidence of what we once shared.. and I'm nothing to him. It's all about Faith now. Faith.. what could that child possibly have to offer over me besides her overused body?

"Should probably get some sleep. Gonna get hot, I have a feelin'. Could use the rest, 'specially after what you've been through."

And again my endless brain was halted by Kyle's voice. Again I turned to look upon him. "That'll... be fine," I said distantly. What was his story? What was the deal? Since we'd first seen each other he's been going out of his way to provide. He met my ferocity with a grin and gave back what I pushed onto him. He was a hardened man, I could see that, but there was a depth in him I couldn't see. Some psychological chasm that went far enough to have no end. "I'll.. get some sleep in a few," I continued, retaining the cold voice that I'd had since I got here. "I'm not tired yet and I.. want to have a look around."

"Take your time. Make yourself at home. No blood in the fridge but, hey, we just moved in!"

The grin he flashed me went unchallenged. I stood my ground and watched him leave toward where he was going to sleep, his wolf-ish sister trailing at his heels. My focus turned to the balcony onto which I was apt to stride. I curled my fingers around the metal railing and fed my eyes with the lit view of L.A., my ears drenched in the echoed sounds of sirens from the streets I couldn't see from here.

What was I here for? Why did they bring me back again? I anticipated some cocamame scheme like the last ones but I was never told of a plan. I was never given a mission. Before I realized who I was, Spike and Drusilla charged in and gave me eternal life yet again and for what? So I could hide in Beverly Hills while Angelus and Faith ran amok destroying a city that was once supposed to be mine? So some slayer-turned-vamp could sit in the throne I built? I was the mother of this family. I started the chain and this is what I get? To sit on the bench while the unexperienced players take the goal? My eyes turned to the sky -- the stars to which Drusilla so affectionately spoke. But they never talked to me. They never had the answers to my questions.


I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want this from the beginning. If I was to be Darla then I was to hold the reigns. That was the way it's been since the beginning of time. Now the only man I've ever had a heart for has passed them on to a spiteful child he finds fun in the sheets. How degrading can you get? How much more painful can it be?

I don't know how long I spent in dreams out on that balcony but when I came back inside there were no sounds. Everyone had long since left. I strode toward the room to which Kyle left. The door was left open. I walked inside, quiet with my steps, to look upon him slumbering in the bed. He'd not bothered to even take off his boots. On the dresser next to him sat one of his guns and I could see the grip of another pistol resting under his pillow.

A bit cautious, aren't we?

Then I looked upon him. I beheld someone with whom I could've been a twin from this point. Both of us could've been considered royalty in respect. Myself the queen of death, and he the king of the underground.. and yet here we both were, concealed in solitude away from the eyes of those who may be seeking us. Both of us with a bloodthirsty revenge for the wrongs done to us. Neither of us with a hint of knowledge about the other thrown into cohorts to achieve a common goal. I was compelled to reach a hand forth and touch his hair but I stopped myself in mid-stride, then recoiled. A moment later I turned and fled his room with the same stealth with which I'd entered.

I can't. I can't let him reach me like this. I can't so long as I know Angelus is out there.. alive and well.

I have to take care of my darling boy...

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable